A 26-year old Singaporean man from Hougang has almost completely severed his penis after he reportedly attempted to ‘make love’ to an oyster he purchased at a seafood market. According to reports, the man had been inspired to attempt intercourse with the mollusc after seeing a photograph of an oyster that bore closely resembled a vagina.
The man, who is recovering in hospital, spoke briefly to reporters in the hope that his story would serve as a warning to other men who are curious about trying to also have intercourse with oysters or other types of marine life.
“This all happened because I read a story a couple of weeks ago about a woman who had her vagina bitten by a crab,” he explained. A marine biologist who commented on that story said that oysters make up a main component of a crab’s typical diet, which could explain it was a case of mistaken identity that led to the woman’s vagina injury.
The man, while embarrassed, admitted that the photo of the oyster in the story had aroused him sexually. “I mean, it looks a lot better than some real vaginas that I’ve seen,” he said. He found himself thinking about the oyster at night, and when we walked past a local seafood market.
“I knew it was wrong, but one day after work when I was walking home I stopped at the market to buy one oyster,” he said. “I asked the vendor to get me the biggest one. He was a bit confused that I only wanted to buy just the one oyster, but I said I only needed one.” The man hurried home so that he could put his plan into action.
“I had to left the oyster come to room temperature because it was still chilled from the market,” he said. As he waited, he applied some lube to his penis and turned on his favorite soundtrack to enhance the mood. “The oyster that I purchased looked really inviting,” he said. “When it was warm enough I just slipped it right in and started pumping.”
The man said that everything went well at first. “The oyster that I bought was quite big, so I was able to penetrate it quite deeply.” However, tragedy would strike as the man became too excited and started to thrust too vigorously. “I just lost control,” he admitted. “I knew I should have been more careful because the shell was razor sharp.”
Unfortunately for the man, a few thrusts away from completion he slipped out of the oyster’s meat and sliced the underside of his penis against the sharp shell. “For a second I was frozen in panic,” he recalled. “Then when the blood started gushing out I yelled out in pain before fainting.”
The next thing the man remembers is waking up after surgery. His quick-thinking neighbors had raised the alarm, fearing that he’d been attacked. “We heard him cry out and pushed in his door,” said the neighbor. “We saw blood everywhere and feared that someone had stabbed him. But then we saw the oyster and the lube and became more concerned.”
The injured man received 67 stitches to repair the deep wound to his penis, but he believes he is lucky. “If I’d caught it on a different angle I could have severed it completely.” He hopes that his story will act as a warning to any other men curious about sex with shellfish. “While I will admit it felt pretty good, the risk of losing your penis is just not worth it.” He added: “If I’d been a bit smarter, I would’ve taken the oyster out of the shell first.”
In other news making headlines in Singapore, guests at a popular local nightclub were shocked after a couple were seen making love at their VIP table early last Sunday morning.